for some odd reason i was picked specifically for maddux.
you are picked for that one child. you will be the one and only person on this earth able to care for your child the way you should.
well I am here to tell you that that is too much pressure for one person to handle. we are apparently given a certain amount of strength within us to handle the ins and outs of parenthood.
what happens when it is too much?
where do you go when you have nothing left?
im not going to throw in a bible verse here bc honestly that sometimes gets annoying. i don't need a verse today. some days i just need Him.
i see my life and how it has gone from a 13 year old tom boy who climbed trees, to how i was molded into the mom for maddux. there is no way you can tell me that my life was not specifically designed for a life with maddux. all wrapped up in a box and with a pretty little bow.
when i had my first seizure at 13 i did not know that one day i would look at my child with the same fear i felt those days i tried to fall asleep but was awakened by a seizure saying "i wonder what the heck that was"
or how every day at lunch in high school at 12 o'clock on the dot i had a seizure in front of my friends, hoping no one saw me staring at my lunch unable to really talk and hoping i was not drooling.
i remember being asked to the homecoming dance by a boy that will remain nameless, but don't think for a minute i do not remember his name! then i remember him not taking me bc he found out i had seizures somehow.
i was there. i was not the smartest. so i can tell maddux i know.
when you find out your seizures are caused by a tumor which is cancerous and typically carries about a 10 year life span, you start to see how in line your life had to be for me to be here for her. without the seizures they would not have found the tumor early enough. without the radiation i would not be here to raise her. and without her i would not be me.
so take out my tumor and you take away the one thing in my life i am sure about.
so yes there are days that i ask if i have enough left to do this for possibly the rest of my life. im gonna say that i hope so. if my life ends up being as neatly strung together as it has so far i can not wait to tell you about it.
image by pastel photography
For some reason I find myself depressed on Mother's Day. Not that I think I am not a good mother but it makes me wonder whether I did what I could for Maddux this year. I do not leave Cade out of the equation but lets face it, I could leave him in the house for a week and he could take care of himself. So today I decided to get Cade to take a picture of how I feel. Workout clothes still on, hair a mess and in my favorite spot. Might I add he is quite the photographer! So here I am, wondering where to take Maddux next. Where can I use my money for the most good while targeting where she struggles the most. I always find a way so I do not worry too much, but I do spend a few days feeling heavy while I figure out her next path. I have listened and made all the decisions to get her where she is and God did not lead me wrong in 9 years so I trust He will pull thru again.
I have met my daughter for the first time, again.
Not many people can understand my writing unless you have been there or seen it in someone else's life, but M's issues interfere with us getting to know the real "her".
We feel like on a random basis we meet her... pieces of her.
Never a full picture. Just pieces.
Her pieces are cute.
Her pieces are funny.
Her pieces are so heart felt and loving in her own way.
I nickname her Amelia Bedelia. She is very black and white. No abstract.
No funny sayings.
No "implied" humor
Just flat out black or white.
Well now after 12 weeks of Brain Balance and 7 years of intense therapy... I am meeting her gray.
It is witty.
It is funny.
It is sometimes scary and not filtered
But it is her Gray
It may not be in a rainbow, but we think it should be!